Traducción de “Pesimismo Nihilista” publicado en la Revista Ajajema Nº 6.
Pessimism is something closely tied to the nihilist tendencies, however this brief essay focus on my own perspective as an extremist individualist and the role that this notion have on my daily life.
I will not make a profound analisys of the common or mainstream nihilism or pesimism, wich is, on general terms, a useless constant whinning for everything, a teenager-like tantrum, to live vegetating inside one’s own bubble as the rest of the world vegetates on their own.
Those individuals found their identity (more a colletive rather than an individual one) by carrying on a lifestyle of way of thinking consisting on forcefully live in a permanent state of “sadness” and lament, they’re always depressed, without strenght nor desires to do something. Due to their lack of warrior instinct, they step over their own ego because “everything is bad” and everything makes them feel sad, everything is useless, they wish to die (yet they did not commit suicide)…etc. Generally, those individuals live or had lived a comfortable life, in wich they never had to fight or put effort to archieve something, and at every chance in wich situation gets uncomfortable they drown and get frustrated.
Those beings self-generate and induce those feelings or emotions by force, even it could be said that some of them even became addicted to this mindstate that they forced theirselves to have, finding constantly new reasons (excuses) to remain inside that bubble of personal misery that they had builded in their pursuit to be a depressive assholes and fit in that social identity of the marginated pessimist and eternal depressive one.
That is not nihilism nor pessimism, neither misanthropy… that’s just pathetic. In the end, those beings just found under the label of nihilism/pessimism a excuse in wich they can hide their own weakness and cowardice.
The pessimism of the individualist extremist is not born based on self-forcing oneself to think or feel in this or that way nor try to fit in or be nice to someone, but instead it comes from his/her own nature. His engagement with the world and the interaction with it, along with a sharpened, awake and realist perception of what surrounds him are what forged his spirit, his way understand what is around him and how he interact with it. He stand on his own shoes and does not need to find excuses on the shit that surrounds him in order to behave like an unsatisfied little child because life did not went as expected.
As a nihilist pessimist I understand that whatever I do, there is no solution neither I do have the capability to change something, sometimes not even my own existence is tied to my will, or at least not in the terms I wish. However far from taking this as an excuse to cry around and rot on my own misery I turned it into my weapon.
My pessimism fall upon shaped as arson, bullets, indiscriminate bombings, parcel-bombs, sharp and offensive words that, as knives, go through and cut the moral of the correct thinking, and in the end is in that way that my own pessimism, maybe in a contradiction, contributes to change my own perception of my own self, of the world thats surround me, changing my reality, even if this change goes unnoticed for the others, even if nothing has really changed, the world will continue the same even if 10, 20 or 100 more bombs explode, but not my own reality, my own self that is builded and evolves with every lived experiences.
My OWN melts and mix with all those notions while I write this words, when I make my body and mind ready before carrying out a new attack or at the very moment when I am doing it. My senses become one with the fire, the gunpowder, the spilled blood.
In oppossition to those who think that pissimism and/or nihilism is about being a bitter person and being consumed by the lament, like a ragdoll or a piece of shit without blood in the veins and will, my pessimism does not understand about self-victimization, is not a “misunderstood” and does not ask for(nor offer) mercy at all. And you better believe me when I say that, even in my most deep pessimism I laught like the devil and I am filled with a tremendous joy when I commit any of my crimes, but also this joy comes to my daily life, even when I am disguised between the hordes of sheep, because I understand who I am and why I do what I do. Even in that moment. I understand and feel that I am part of something bigger and at the same time I am satisfaying my most egoist instincts and emotions.
Is in this way how my own pessimism end up being the mechanism that gives me strenght to keep going on, to continue through an uncertain path towards the unknown, towards the nothing. yet knowing that whatever I do, there is no chances of “sucess”, of change nor to have a good ending, and yet still going on with proud and even joy and pleasure.